Forever Happiness.

     So for a while I was feeling less depressed. That's definitely changed since last week. I kind of force myself to go to school and I haven't missed it for a long time.

     I don't think I blogged about this but I was supposed to start counseling sometime in the month of march. But we can't afford it, without insurance its 125$ and with its still 65$.So yeah..that's depressing...

     I don't really know what to do anymore honestly... I was kind of hoping I would finally have someone tell me whats wrong with me.

     Twice now I've broken down in the car right before going into school and my mom has had to call the counseling office and have someone come and get me out of the car. Then when we get inside I hear the same damn thing every time. "Hey, you made the right choice getting out of the car, Good job!" yeah great job Emma. 

     I usually feel good going into the counseling office to talk to my counselor but It's been a long time since I went and talked to her because i realized every time I go in with a problem I leave with the problem. Sure I feel good about myself but all they really do if make me feel confident until 3:20 when school gets out. No one ever solves my problems. So just like the past 5 years I still sit with everything horrible thing that's happened to me. I don't want a temporary happiness I want a forever one. When I thought I might get that again my hopes are shot down by this sad reality called life.

     When plan 'A' fails you move onto plan 'B', and when that also fails, you go onto plan 'C'. But what if your at plan 'Z' you've gone through every letter in the alphabet and now your at plan 'Z'. 

What if your plan 'Z' fails..What if the only person you where relying on for happiness isn't there and your alone. Alone because every page in your book is filled with failure...every.single.page.

Do you start a new book? Begin a new chapter? Yes. But HOW? How can you start over when there is SO many things, so many sad horrible things you cant forget. Simple. You don't forget.

And I wont forget.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to start.

I don't know who to get help from.

But I do know I'd never give up, because every temporary happiness is a stone in my path to true, forever happiness.

Live on.

#ValentinesDiary

IM SICK!?!

I'm sick..again..! I'm feeling better today but don't know when for sure I can begin my work out!  Hopefully sometime within this week. I'm gonna start from day one again see you soon!

Ps- I have a great blog idea so stay tuned!

My Extreme Goals in Life

     I decided I should post again today so that there is actually something interesting to read!

     This might be a long topic so lets get started!

Lose Weight

There is a pretty obvious reason for this, ha.

Graduate Highschool

Pretty obvious too xD

Graduate Collage

You shouldn't be surprised by this either xD

Become a Personal Therapist

I have this natural ability to help people. I know A LOT about emotions and I help so many people understand their problems even now when i'm 16.

Build My Mom Her Dream House

Since before I can remember me and my mom have been admiring fancy houses, She and I both love the art aspect of homes so I'm going to have her plan out what she wants and build it for her, and I mean ANYTHING she wants.

Build My Dream House

i'm a nerd, no regular house will fit my needs! XD

Own Any and Every Gaming Console EVER made.

Because why not!?

Write a Manga Series

I write short ones all the time and I'm obviously into art so my name being out there as an artist would be bomb.

Have an Entire Room Filled With Bookshelves to Store My Manga Collection

Imagine every manga you ever liked or even kind of liked at the palm of your hands.(MIND BLOWN)

Go to Law school

Being a lawyer is something I've always wanted to do and I'd like to do it some day after I have a stable career I can fall back on.

Raise my Family In France

I've been in love with France and the culture since I saw the movie Ratatouille! Ever since I can't stop day dreaming about being there, not right now, but some day. And I plan on going through all four years of french in highschool and all years of collage! 

Own Cosplay to all my favorite Anime/Manga characters

Cosplay is AWESOME.

Okay, so here are some pretty unrealistic goals.

Buy out 2kGames and Make More Bioshock games

I have an obsession with this game..and it wont die..and I don't want it to..so I fuel it.

Build a Vault Tech Factory with My Boyfriend

My Boyfriend loves Fall out games and it would be sick to team up with the creators to make actual vault tech!

Make a Bioshock Theme park Where You Go Though The Games But IN PERSON!!!!

Again..my obsession is strong..

BE KNOWN AS A BLOGGER.

I want my ideas spread!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay that wasn't as long as I thought xD

Thanks for reading though!

#ValentinesDiary

Nothing sweet 4 U! (Lol)

What a Wonderful World!

     Today was perfect. Days like these bring me happiness and I want them more often.

     This morning I was extremely tired and ended up staying home from school. I was pretty disappointed in myself for that. I've missed A LOT of school due to anxiety, but if I had gone I wouldn't have had such a great day!

     Around 8 I woke up my boyfriend and played video games and talked with him until about 1! I loved this time with him because i'm so busy with life and we don't usually get to enjoy each-others company that often.

     I'm not a very active person I will admit, but I've been feeling more up to it lately! I went on a walk with my dog today, just around my apartment complex. (which is huge) That took me about 45 minutes, and I felt great after!

     Later I then went outside to draw with chalk, and was intending to write 'never to old for chalk' just to make myself feel a little less dumb for doing it :P But..ended up writing 'never to young for chalk'....LOL! 30 minutes into the hour  (4:30) my friend Lexy joined me. We continued drawing/talking until 6:30!

     This may not sound very exciting to some, but i'm usually stuck inside all day, well, I wouldn't say stuck because it's my choice but you get it. 

    So to summarize, My day was full of outside fun!

     Tonight will be even more fun with my bestfriend! I honestly am loving the weather too! I hope it stays this way but I wont get my hopes up!

     Stop reading this and enjoy the beautiful weather!

Something Sweet For You:
https://d13yacurqjgara.cloudfront.net/users/23105/screenshots/274392/go_outside.png
https://kindnessgirl.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/chalk-love.jpg

#ValentinesDiary

     Thanks for reading.ヾ(。◕ฺ∀◕ฺ)ノ

Why online relationships work for me (Valentines Diary)

     I recently had a conversation about 'online relationships' with my friend who doesn't agree with them. I for one have dated online a few times and, of course i'm not with those people now, but usually I have pretty good luck in them. My current boyfriend, Andrew, has been here for two years about. Our relationship has ups and downs like most, but unlike most we are still together, even after some REALLY hard times. So to summarize, My relationship with Drew is very strong.

     I'm completely aware this isn't the common case with some. For example my cousin hasn't had good luck like I've had in relationships. My friend who doesn't agree with them told me about his experience and it sounds nothing like mine. My conclusion is that online relationships ARE okay, and still count as real, for some.

     The reasons why they are real or not may differ from person to person, but I could give you a list of everything Andrew and I share and you wouldn't see a difference between 'online' and 'real life'.

     I can understand the struggle of online relationships, but I can honestly tell you, for me, that I know Drew even better, because we haven't met in person yet. Distance has made us stronger than your every day relationship. He and I have gone through more in these two years than most do in three.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts! Sometimes its just good to write about nothingness. 

Thanks to my Boyfriend, Andrew, my savior!

Thanks to my Bestfriend, Alyssa, who keeps me going :)

And thanks to my Friend Mitch for giving me this idea!

Something Sweet For You:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g34lve9TVk4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v27TRan1SBI

Good stuff you better click!

#ValentinesDiary

Lets Grow Together (ValentinesDiary)

Before we begin I must apologize for my extended absence! My computer is having some problems and keeps crashing, I'm working on it right now but my cooling pad also is broken, which in return makes my laptop crash sooner rather than later. I will admit I don't take the best care of my computer, I play minecraft until my hands burn from touching my key bored and I Skype my boyfriend usually all night every night..i'm surprised my computer hasn't fully died. I don't really want to do a system restore because i'm not sure if i'll lose what my computer has or not? I suppose I should research! Even as i type this my hand is getting burnt and I just turned it on! 

Lets get back on subject! So a while ago I posted a blog called "I'm Tired". You may have read it, if not it was basically my attempt to reach out for help. My boyfriend reads my blogs and i'm hoping my family does, Although I don't think they even check it..which kind of upsets me. But anyways my Boyfriend told my mom and we are now setting up an out of school counselor.

I have lots of friends who surround me with happiness and support, only a few of them know whats going on. My counselor is also another huge supporter in my life. My mom and boyfriend obviously too. 

It's not that I'm sad or unhappy all the time or anything like that. I'm just angry, at myself, at my boyfriend, my phone, just everyone. I don't ever want to do anything either. I have no motivation, I'd rather just lay here doing nothing. No matter what I can't get my body to move, even if it's something I want to do.

I have hopes and dreams, and I am determined to accomplish them but I can't do that with this heavy weight of guilt and anger pulling down on me. I want to get over this I'm tired of feeling lazy.

I think I need more organization in my life, Not that I want to be wired to a schedule but I think I need to be until I get used to doing everyday things like chores and school.

My goals for the week:

• Make schedule
• Make meal plan
• Pick up my grades
• Finish my comics

Thanks for reading all my random posts :)

#ValentinesDiary
http://laetitiavalentine.tumblr.com/
https://www.pinterest.com/asthesiren/valentines-diary/
https://www.facebook.com/ValentinesDiaryHome
https://twitter.com/LovureMeow

Something Sweet For You:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKtsdZs9LJo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhwDxNqWtxk
Click on it! Don't Worry It Wont Bite!!