Forever Happiness.

     So for a while I was feeling less depressed. That's definitely changed since last week. I kind of force myself to go to school and I haven't missed it for a long time.

     I don't think I blogged about this but I was supposed to start counseling sometime in the month of march. But we can't afford it, without insurance its 125$ and with its still 65$.So yeah..that's depressing...

     I don't really know what to do anymore honestly... I was kind of hoping I would finally have someone tell me whats wrong with me.

     Twice now I've broken down in the car right before going into school and my mom has had to call the counseling office and have someone come and get me out of the car. Then when we get inside I hear the same damn thing every time. "Hey, you made the right choice getting out of the car, Good job!" yeah great job Emma. 

     I usually feel good going into the counseling office to talk to my counselor but It's been a long time since I went and talked to her because i realized every time I go in with a problem I leave with the problem. Sure I feel good about myself but all they really do if make me feel confident until 3:20 when school gets out. No one ever solves my problems. So just like the past 5 years I still sit with everything horrible thing that's happened to me. I don't want a temporary happiness I want a forever one. When I thought I might get that again my hopes are shot down by this sad reality called life.

     When plan 'A' fails you move onto plan 'B', and when that also fails, you go onto plan 'C'. But what if your at plan 'Z' you've gone through every letter in the alphabet and now your at plan 'Z'. 

What if your plan 'Z' fails..What if the only person you where relying on for happiness isn't there and your alone. Alone because every page in your book is filled with failure...every.single.page.

Do you start a new book? Begin a new chapter? Yes. But HOW? How can you start over when there is SO many things, so many sad horrible things you cant forget. Simple. You don't forget.

And I wont forget.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to start.

I don't know who to get help from.

But I do know I'd never give up, because every temporary happiness is a stone in my path to true, forever happiness.

Live on.

#ValentinesDiary